Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Math anxiety, goals and pending accomplishments

So, I’m sitting here and thinking about the future. I know it’s completely in God’s hands but that doesn’t stop me from pondering my possibilities. I don’t know why but, I can’t seem to sit still or stay put and I’d really love to learn more about nutrition. Nothing’s wrong with that, right? My passion these past few years has been food, nutrition and fitness, at Natural Gourmet I learned basic cooking skills and a little about the healing properties of food. I think the connection between cooking and nutrition is incredible. I feel like I need to learn more about how the human body works, auto-immune diseases and the scientific background of those foods. I guess this passion grew deeper when I was affected with an auto-immune disease. So the passion is definitely there, it’s just my fear of math and science.

Yes you read that right, I have math anxiety. I remember my biggest fear was not graduating high school because I thought that math was out to get me, and like it was the only thing that made me so weak. The truth is math has always been such a complicated subject for me and science uses math so, that of course becomes a secondary fear of mine. Some people are afraid of heights, spiders and dogs, I’m terrified of math failing. I guess I always translate failing with math.

My “math” anxiety has been with me since the 3rd grade, and my mom felt like the best option was to home school me. I never felt like I was stupid, but more so annoyed with my brain and its slow process to numbers. I cringe when I think about a younger me staring blankly at my math homework for three hours, and being in the tenth grade and thinking I would never graduate. I wish I could go back in time and seek the help of a tutor. Hopefully when I have kids they take after their dad, who I believe is brilliant! In case you were wondering… I did graduate high school with a C in math. No that I'm proud of that but, go figure.

But the anxiety didn’t end there. It came back when I started going to community college, and suffered through frequent anxiety attacks during my second semester. I was overly stressed and had severe insomnia; I was also suffering from massive stomach cramps at the time which was later addressed as ulcerative colitis. In a sense I was sort of relieved when my parents told me I should take a break from school and focus on my health. I went back to school that following fall and it was only a matter of time for the anxiety to attack me once again. Unfortunately I caved into my anxiety and dropped out of college. I was afraid of failing math, having a poor GPA and didn’t want to deal with a tutor.

Now after finishing culinary school which was a huge accomplishment, I look back and think to myself “why was I so stubborn?!” I still get anxiety and fear failing but now that it’s addressed that I indeed suffer from anxiety, I’m wondering if it would be different if I went back to school. Maybe I would apply myself more. But more importantly, I would be seeking God for strength like Philippians 4:13 states: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I can't go by my illness or anxiety any longer.

I think it’s something worth praying about because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I know that God didn’t give me these passions to just daydream about, and I secretly believe that obtaining more credibility and knowledge in nutrition will open a lot of doors, and be a huge accomplishment. But my first goal right now is to eventually commit myself to Michael and become his godly wife. I am praying that God will make this possible and give me the strength to achieve my goals.  

That’s all I got today,

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